"If you get a tattoo on your face you will be unsuccessful."

I used to believe that I had to wear a certain pair of underwear to have a good day. Then I believed I had to match my underwear to my clothes. Next I believed I had to do everything in increments of fives: Five minutes, five pieces of chocolate, you get the idea. I don’t have such specific regimens nowadays, but I’m still partial to the number five, and I'm still superstitious.

I have never wanted to know my future. The thought of knowing what to expect out of life scares me. I don’t know if people really can predict the future, but I have never wanted mine predicted. I have never wanted to go to a fortuneteller. But I recently went anyway. (A recent nine months ago!)

It was an assignment for Mango Dreams, Peace Corps Cambodia’s prestigious literary magazine/newsletter. Serious stuff. I couldn’t refuse. I also thought it was time to confront my fear of the future.

The fortune teller I saw is the town’s best. He lives on a huge spread populated by lots of animals — monkeys, crocodiles and children. My Cambodian friend Rath tells me his predictions are accurate some of the time.

We sit at a polished disc of tree insides. We is me, fellow Peace Corps Volunteer Rachel and Rath, my friend, teacher and fortune-teller translator. Oh, and fortune teller Young Lem and his non-fortune telling daughter Lem Savry.

Lem, a compact man of 50-something is wearing a white Chairman Mao pantsuit. His daughter, a woman of about 30, is wearing a peasant blouse.

Lem begins with questions.

What’s your name? How old are you? What year were you born? What month? What day? What time?

He then writes down a lot of numbers on sheets torn from a yellow legal pad. It looks like he’s using the prediction method used in the game MASH, when you try to predict your friend’s futures by writing a bunch of stuff and then drawing a giant spiral to zero in on the truth.

But it’s not MASH, daughter Savry says. It’s the method originated by the man she calls Napoleeeown (Napoleon).

Once Lem finishes his Napoleonic scribbles, he starts spouting my future life’s secrets. His foresight is very comprehensive. He starts general, then goes through my future life month by month for the remaining months of 2011.

His insights bolded, mine not.

General insights:

• Your good fortune years were ages 26 and 27. OK. Those were good years. I didn’t win any lotteries, but good years.

• When you are 29 you will meet a problem. The reason is you will have one guy, you will help a man.

• If you would like to choose one you love to get married to, ages 30-35 are good opportunities for good fortune.

• You are kind and generous. You want to help people.

• Your successful life will start at age 31.

• Your adventure life will be ages 22-31.

• You want to hide your secret thing but you cannot. You cannot hide your secret. I don’t have any secrets — yet.

Monthly insights:

• April – Be careful of a traffic accident on Thursday and Sunday around 1 and 4 p.m. I must have been careful, ‘cause I wasn’t involved in any traffic accidents.

• May – You will get a good boyfriend. Nope.

• June – You will get a very big, very good fortune. Probably your supervisor or manager will help you.  Approved to stay in Cambodia another year. Does that count?

• You will go to another country. I did go to another country! America!

• July – You will lose your stuff. Probably lost some stuff. I lose my stuff every month. Almost every day, even.

• August – You will meet a good opportunity. Your friend, some guy, will provide a good job,  good news to you. Nope.

• September – You will get good, good news again. Probably from a supervisor or manager. Good news, good job, good opportunity. Not so much.

• October – You will get sick. You could see a Cambodian traditional healer if you want. Maybe a cold. Didn't see a traditional healer.

• November – You will have an argument with a coworker. Maybe a little one I don't remember.

• December – You will be worried about your friend in USA. Nope.

Fortunes by the day and month for my whole life:

• Sundays and Mondays are the best days to buy the main stuff you need in life, ie: a car or a house. Specifically, the best hours are Sundays from 5-7 a.m. and Mondays from 5-7 a.m. and 7-9 a.m.

• Sundays and Mondays you will have success at work.

• Thursday – Don’t do important stuff on this day.

• Saturdays and Wednesday – You always fail on these days and you always lose something on these days. They are not good days .

• October – December – You have a struggle during these months every year – because of your spots. By “spots” he means two moles I have, one in front of my right ear, one in front of my left. “The spots here are not so good. You should have them cut off.” My Cambodian dermatologist disagrees.

 Predictions based on my body parts:

• Every human has a special thing on their body. Your teeth bring you a lot of luck, and your chin, too. If you change your teeth or chin you will lose your luck. 

• If your teeth remain until you’re 60 or older your fortune will be greater and greater.

• If your coworkers have nice teeth you will work well with them. Teeth are very important.

• If you get a tattoo on your face you will be unsuccessful.

• Your chin is good and your face is good. It’s not good to get new teeth.

• Don’t change your face. Don’t put anything artificial in your face. The shape of your face is good luck from nature. If you change it you lose your luck.

• At the beginning of your job your coworkers seem uninterested in you. If you talk to them they will like you – because of your chin and teeth.

• Your forehead seems like you think a lot. Even when you sit in the bathroom, you think a lot.

Next, Lem’s daughter Savry asks if I have any questions. Questions like when I will get married, etc.

“No,” I say. I don’t want to know.

But Rachel does. “When will she die?”

“Nooooo!” I yell. 

Lem gets the hint. He feeds me more harmless insights.

• Your whole life you always like traveling, you don’t want to stay at home.

He draws a picture of my house and then tells me my house if full of success, but I don’t want to stay in my house. I want to leave my house.

Whew. That’s it for me. Rachel didn’t come to have her fortune read, but Lem’s got something he’s got to tell Rachel. Something no one wants to hear. 

Her chin is very pointy, Lem says. Its pointiness means she will either get her business idea or husband stolen. Yikes. Thank genes for my non-pointy chin! Now if I can just stay away from face tattoos...